So the Beetle Bris Happened

It ended up being a celebration of the entire life narrative of beetles, from the beginning (the circumcision) to the coming-of-age into manhood (the bar-mitzvah) to the ending (the death of poor Dolph). We opened with some opening words honoring the life of Dolph and Flo Rida (the weevil beetle's name). There was much to be learned from these two beetles, especially for anyone who wants to be a mother or father someday. You see, I actually tried to kill Flo Rida when I found him. That's right... when we were in the lab at Archbold Biological Reserve, I put him in the kill jar for my collection, even though he was strong and alive and well. During his stay in the kill jar, a series of negotiations with other students who were vying for my live ox beetle Dolph had made me realize the high premium placed on live large black beetles as pets. Once I realized their high trade value I decided I wanted Flo Rida alive. After 20 minutes in a freshly charged ethyl acetate container, I was lucky that this strong beetle was not dead. And I removed him from the kill jar, and such is how the story of Flo Rida began.

On the other hand, I took full interest in the life of Dolph, a beautifully 3-horned ox beetle I found just a few minutes before Flo Rida. When I encountered Dolph, I had no doubts about my commitment to making his life comfortable. I would train him for combat against the other ox beetles in the class; I would fan his exoskeleton whenever he was overheated; I would clean his bristle-like tarsals with my toothbrush. I even gave him the name of a real-life Adonis (god of beauty and desire), after Dolph Lundgren--the Sweden-born model, actor, drummer, karate national champion, and current pentathlete coach, who, during his youth, was awarded a Fulbright scholarship to study chemical engineering at MIT, but terminated his academic pursuits for love of a woman for whom he served as a bodyguard. In Rocky IV, Lundgren played the final Russian contender against Rocky, and is known to have said "I must break you."

Image Source: http://thecryptojournalist.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/dolph-lundgren1.jpeg

Now you see how delusional I might have been about the greatness of my ox beetle, especially relative to my weevil beetle, for whom I did not bother to think of a name until I had to for his bris. I ultimately named the weevil beetle Flo Rida, because I found him in Florida, and "Flo Rida" is the name of a well-known rapper. Makes sense.

The irony is, despite my investment in Dolph's life, he died almost right away. Flo Rida, whom I tried to kill, continues to thrive and be lively. Perhaps this is some higher force's punishment--I did not treat my children equally, and I am paying the price with Dolph's life. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that ox beetles are only active until November. But I think it is more the fact that I treated my two children unequally, and am being paid for my failings as the primary care person of these beetles.

So, the beetle bris began with an account of the two beetles. I talked about how and where I found them, and the lessons I learned as a mother. Talking about Dolph was emotional; he had only just died on Thursday, and his precious life was still an emotionally vivid memory to which I was holding tightly. It was followed by our stand-in rabbi, who said many prayers in Hebrew. The atmosphere was complete: there was an empty chair in the room, traditionally set aside for the prophet Elijah to oversee the proceedings and ensure the continuation of the ceremony; the mirror was covered because, during shiva (the period when people mourn a loved one's death), you are not to care about your appearance, and you are not to look at a representation of a human during prayer--to direct our thoughts away from God during prayer is considered idolatrous. There was a hora--complete with an inner as well as an outer circle! We unfortunately lacked a minyan--the quorum of 10 post-bar-mitzvahed men required for religious ceremony--but, otherwise, it was pretty legit.

There was, ultimately, no circumcision, no snipping. We did not know of any professional who would perform the operation without hurting Flo Rida, and we weren't exactly sure of the beetle equivalent of circumcision. Cut its horns? Its antennae? After all, the female is the bearer of the ovipositor. Since we were uninformed, we did not snip.

I think it's time to close. If anyone wishes to honor the life of Dolph, know that he will be found pinned to perfection in my collection. I may even polish his exoskeleton. If you would like to play with Flo Rida, he can be found in his home in my Archbold lunch box. And, finally, Mazel Tov to Flo Rida, who is now a man!

Happy Monday,
Chelsea